*smack*

Yup. that was the sound of the 2x4 gently hitting me last week as I listened to this song.

I was singing along and wondering who is dumb enough to fight the hands....and realized...well...I am.

You'd think I wouldn't need a 2x4 for that concept but today it seemed like a 4x4 might even have been necessary.......it's subtle how we fight the hands....the coping mechanisms we invent rather than turning to prayer....the curse that slips out of our mouths in frustration rather than taking a breath and remembering to do all things as unto God.....hmm....anyway....listen to the song and I hope you aren't fighting the hands....

and in case the link doesn't play nice....

By Your Side Lyrics Tenth Avenue North
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you runAnd I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you

I'll never let you go

tired...but apparently not sleepy....

It's after one a.m. and I'm still wide awake...the pain is pretty intense tonight and of course, tonight the painkiller just isn't helping. Back to the doctor tomorrow to have the stitches out and to find out what our plan is....I'm a little anxious because I feel like I've taken a few steps back - I'm back to feeling like if I don't hold my belly while I walk my insides will fall out...and there's this pulling pain if I try to take a full step....*sigh* maybe I pushed too hard when I thought I felt better? I dunno...but I made a list of questions/concerns for the doctor when I see him tomorrow....(side note for those that are going "wait, she had surgery?" I had a blinding searing pain in my side and abdomen that was pretty much undiagnosable by conventional means...an abundance of doctors, tests, a couple of trips to the er....nothing showed why I was in such pain, so I ended up undergoing an exploratory laporoscopy where they discovered some "female issues" and resolved the resolvable and we're figuring out a plan for the other...I'll be ok...just a little bit of a road ahead of me - but by the grace of God, I can still have kids!)

I'm trying so hard to "be anxious for nothing but in all things present my needs to God" in this. I'm anxious because I'm afraid that the setback means more is wrong or I'm not as OK as I thought or maybe I really set myself back and injured something thinking I was in better shape than I am....
I praise God for the great news that we will be able to have children. That was my biggest fear in all of this...that I had missed my chance....but God is good, knows my heart and protected that aspect. Which, the logical mind would say, is all the more reason to chill out.

Maybe it's the loneliness that comes from being shut in and unable to drive (this is the point where I send Internet hugs to those that have visited, sent cards, emails, facebook messages, food and the like to cheer me up - you have no idea how much that has all meant and I'd be even stir-crazier without your thoughtfulness). Maybe it's the lack of sleep...maybe it's the pain...maybe it's the fact that even though there is chocolate inches from me I don't feel like eating it... .....maybe it's everything rolled into one....but here I am at 1:22 in the morning, exhausted but not sleepy enough for my eyes to stay shut... and just throwing my feelings out into blogdom. I finally decided to get up so my husband could get some restful sleep as he does have to be up early tomorrow to make sure the boxes and parcels are delivered on time....so hopefully a blog to empty my head and a few hands of solitaire will sleepify me enough to keep the eyes closed.....

This is not what I meant when I said I needed a vacation....

so...been about a month since I've been to my office....and I'm bored silly. I miss the people the banter and the interaction....and yes, even being busy.

I'm recovering pretty well - still having some pains creep up on me and still feel like if I don't hold my belly while I walk, my insides will fall out....but we're a far cry from the morning after the surgery when I needed help sitting up, sitting down and whatnot. The stitches come out tomorrow and we will discuss a treatment plan, goals and when I can go back to work.
At this point, it still hurts to walk, but he did say he had to cut a lot off the ligaments....so that could be it. I have a handful of questions for him to find out "is this normal or should I be concerned" about this type of pain and "is this going to go away or will I just stop noticing eventually?" type stuff. Sorry..no cool pics of the stitches because well, they aren't really cool, LOL.

OOH

Stumbled on this last week....and LOVE it.

Letters...and the reactions they produce.

I received a letter yesterday...and I was afraid to open it because it was from the people that I applied to for the first stage of getting certified as a sign language interpreter.....
See, I had sent in my application, my fee, my letters....and I got an email saying they would conduct interviews in July.....and July came and went and no interview...so I thought I must not have gotten in....and that crushed me because if you're reading this chances are you know how much sign language means to me and how badly I want to be state certified. So....I gave it to God and tried to calm down and thought maybe it was His divine way of telling me that there is too much on my plate...work...IAAP (I was recently elected to the executive board)....home life....trying to sell the house....etc......so maybe God was saying wait until there's less on my plate. And finally I accepted that and decided that God is sovereign and maybe He knows more about it than I do....ya know....typical me....

And yesterday. This letter arrives. A very thin envelope. My hands shook....here we go. Deep breath and don't throw up on the letter.

Dear [EYE] ok. so far so good.

We are delighted to confirm your acceptance into the Interpreter Training Preparation Program 2010-2011 year. Yup. this is about the part I started screaming and chick flailing and calling my husband.

WOOOO HOOOOOOO I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And oh talk about perfect timing...yesterday was a day where I cried...in front of people...and I didn't care that they saw me cry and again, if you're reading this you know that I think the only thing worse than crying is for people to see it.....

See, life has been a bit overwhelming lately. I work full time, which is nothing outrageous. I'm a full time wife. I'm an auntie who loves her pictures (HINT HINT HINT). I'm a homeowner trying desperately to not be one anymore, and having all sorts of issues.....thank God the buyers are patient! I'm a CAP. I'm learning the ropes to being on an executive board, and it's a huge honor and sometimes the responsibility is a bit intimidating.....and then of course, there were the family things and the health things (thank God, Bug does NOT have cancer!) and then the not sleeping because it's 9,000,000,000º in our apartment....and then the car things...and the little things added up yesterday....each one on its own totally dealable....but yesterday they all jumped on at once and squeezed out the tears.....and God reached down and gave me overwhelming joy.

He confirmed for the 10 billionth time that He heard me and He's got it and saw fit for that letter to arrive yesterday, just when I needed to be reminded that He does care about the desires of our hearts.....

There's a definite calling on my life with sign. And thanks be to God, I get to take the next step.

So my friends, HAPPY DANCE with me!

P.S. I had to chuckle at my Verse of the Day Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands... Yup. planning on working with my hands a lot over the next few months :-D

awwwww baby!!!

N&B welcomed their adorable little girl, LG into the world on Wednesday, July 21
oh my bob you guys she is so pretty!!
N says she's never dating...lol
She's a pretty mellow baby and N&B are just natural parents and make it look pretty easy.
I'll post a pic once I have their permission :)

makes ya go "hrm"

Psalm 34:4-5:I sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces are never covered with shame.

Never ceases to amaze me how a little verse on a pink calendar on my desk can be so perfect for what I'm going through each day....

More calendar lessons

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. ~Matthew 6:34 MSG Translation

dude....I don't even need to do the commentary thing for that one to sink into my brain and smack me around.

good stuff.

It never fails, when the stress is creeping back in after it's been banished, and I'm doing my best to remain calm and remember that I can do nothing, but God can do everything, something smacks me and makes me feel inferior....and then God....well....this verse was emailed to me this morning.

Now glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream - infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. Ephesians 3:20 TLB

How's that for divine timing?
We got the next round of assumption papers for the house and filled them in and sent them on to the potential buyer....please keep that in prayer! The bank said it takes approximately 30 days after they receive this round of paperwork to make a determination.....so I'm working on being patient and not being anxious but in all things making my requests known to God....

July is going to be a crazy busy month....the usual summer craziness, but in addition to that, K sister is graduating (yeah, I know, wasn't she just 5 and sitting in the HA cafeteria while my mom made cookies yesterday????)
Uncle R and Aunt N are coming for a visit and we've got some short travel planned for various things. We're hoping to be able to take a short getaway for our anniversary in August.

Things are looking more homey at the new place and it really doesn't resemble a cardboard fort at all anymore - just a handful of boxes waiting for us to figure out which shelves and pictures are going where....then I get to work on a fun project....going through the digital camera and printing my favs and FINALLY putting the pics in the gorgeous collage frame we got from N Bro.

N bro & his wife are doing very well - baby girl should be here in August and momma is doing great. we have their shower in July too....

Well...that's about it for updates and good words....off to the grind for me

Brain Hungry! Need Food!

Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desertand streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19

Ooh...that one may take my brain all day to chew on....
Lately I've been in a funk, feeling down and feeling the weight of the many stressors around me crushing down and I've tried to fight it and tried to just "deal" and accept the stressors....then a wise person said to me "don't do that." Because as soon as I do that I am allowing that THING to be stress, and once that stress is removed, I allow the stress to capture something else. I need to not accept it. I need to pry my fingers off of it and look to God for peace. No, that doesn't mean that things will never get to me and that I won't feel pressure...it means that I won't let it surround me and take over my thoughts so that I'm lying awake every night mentally yelling at God for not letting me have "sweet peaceful sleep" like Psalms promises....

So...my mission...and I've chosen to accept it....is when those things hit me hard, oh and I bet the last doughnut and coffee they will, I need to look at it, praise God for the strength to get through and press on. Yesterday it manifested in the form of "God, help me to not let this steal my joy today" rather than crying in the ladies' room like I really wanted to.

Lessons from a calendar.

Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you.... That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything - Mark 11:22-24, MSG

It really shouldn't surprise me that this was my verse today on my calendar - God's been speaking to me a lot lately about my prayer life and how I will certainly pray when I'm in the valley of the shadow...but then I stand up, wipe my eyes and pick all my trials back up and wander back to my worry-fest. Wow...yeah, a little vulnerable today. But it's true. I talk to God, and I tell him I know that he can do everything and can fix what's going on and then I try to help. How hilarious is that? That my pea-brain thinks the almighty needs my help. Goodness, I can barely speak in whole sentences before the first cup of coffee and I think that I can help God move the mountains in my life? What an arrogant concept. We live in a world where we are almost trained to be arrogant - and we call it being confident, we call it being proud of who we are - and those two things on their own aren't bad - it's when we allow ourselves to cross that line and feel as though we are entitled to amazing things without doing anything.
I once heard an illustration of faith - I was 10. I was at summer camp and we were talking about chairs. The pastor said that faith is sitting in the chair. I looked at him wondering how that could be. Then he fleshed it out. I can look at a chair and say "I believe this chair will hold me." But until I actually sit in that chair confident it will hold me, I have no faith that my statement is true. Until I actually pry my fingers off my trials, I will never actually have faith that God will overcome them.
So....he's trying to get the concept through my brain in many fashions these days. Isn't it wonderful how much he cares? I'm convinced he shakes his head at me at least twice a day. "silly little girl, don't you get it yet? I've got you. And I promised no one shall pluck you out of my hand."

Go listen to this song....heard it a while ago and thought of it again today.

ooh...

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.- Corrie Ten Boom

I really wish I had heard this quote before the stress of the weekend began because it is oh so true....

Well...we're moved. We're exhausted and sore, but we're moved. We spent a lot of the weekend trying to find the right places for things and trying to find things we needed....I asked Bug when he thought it would start to feel like home. He said give it a week....right now it feels like we're visiting somewhere...living out of boxes and suitcases....our bed would not go back together so our mattress and boxspring are on the floor - and in the midst of being ready to break from the stress tension and exhaustion it hit me...how much had I been praying about the move and everything? I'm ashamed to admit just a few words here and there. By the time Saturday night rolled around, I was so worn down that my stomach was chewing itself to pieces. So I laid down and it hit me. I needed to pray. So I started with the way I was feeling and thanking God for our new place and a successful move and went on to protecting our marriage and getting us through settling in and guiding each step...I ended up falling asleep praying in the spirit. And for the first time in I don't know how long, I had peaceful dreams instead of ones where I woke up going "how on EARTH did my subconscious come up with that one???????"

Here's where you may all say "um, duh Eye." Yes, I know where my help and peace and strength (hee hee, and daily food for those that were just waiting for it....) come from. Why is it so darn hard to get it from the brain know to the practice know?

So last night I started re-reading The Forgotten God by Francis Chan. Amazing author (also wrote Crazy Love).....time to start remembering what powers the system....and I don't mean coffee this time.

God is faithful. We found not only a bed in our price range, but the new mattress we've been needing for a while...on sale....God rocks.

Sometimes it's good to remember the sad.

Trading My Sorrows ~ Darrell Evans
I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord
I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen
I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

About 8 years ago, a dear, dear friend received a message from God that I needed a book called Why God? for my birthday. This wonderful friend questioned God...that's an odd thing to give her for her birthday....but the friend was obedient. She bought the book. And she listened to God's leading and penned the song above into it. She had no idea that 6 days later my older brother would be killed in a senseless car accident.

Nor did she have any idea that 8 years later I would feel like I'm at the bottom of the hole and am so low I can't see the top...and she didn't know that I would remember the song, remember the book, remember her obedience to God, and remember that even though I feel like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow this week....there's a way out, and that the tears will dry, and that God's still got me and even though I feel like I've had the tar beaten out of me and I don't understand why I am going through these trials.....the JOY comes with the morning.

Thank you so much, Ernie. I love you girlfriend.

Where are Bug and Eye?

Well....we're in a flurry of boxes!
We found a new place, it's adorable, and nice and roomy...3 bedrooms....big kitchen, gas fireplace (which we need to get inspected to see if we can fire up :) but then yay!)
We're working on a possible sale of the house....please keep that in prayer.

So, we're off to a very busy next few weeks....great fun, right?
I'll say this - aparently packing is a good workout because, um, ow? My muscles are a bit mad at me but oh so worth it.

nibble nibble

so...went well with the people looking at the house...and I got a call from another couple that wants to see it this weekend....so this is good....definitely headed in the right direction!

anxious today.

so the house in cville is being shown today.....
I'm trying so hard to just be at peace and know that God's got this and this may or may not be his answer to the "please get us out from under this mortgage!" cry....
but I can't help but be excited that maybe this is it and maybe there'll be an offer and maybe it will be enough and we can be free.....
please pray!

pensive today.

Missing my brother a lot lately.
It seems like there's triggers everywhere lately...some make me smile, others make me laugh....and then there's the ones that hurt so bad I have to check to make sure I'm not bleeding. Those are the exhausting ones.
Today I feel pensive, reflective and a little sad. I think about the things he's missing out on....he didn't see me get married...I know he would have been so happy for me and probably would have asked if my dress was big enough (there was a lot of poof to it once the train was bustled). He would have teased me about tripping down the aisle...but then he would have watched with a huge grin as I promised to love honor and cherish all the days of my life.

Yesterday I brought up you tube during my lunch and break....I played "Come Ye Sinners" several times.... We had a dear friend play some praise music during our wedding...that was one of the songs he played. The words to it are a balm to my soul on those days when everything hurts.....from missing my brother....to a hard day at work....to the trials that show up and smack us around....

I won't post the whole song...I really like Todd Agnew's version of it - but the chorus goes "I will arise and go to Jesus....and He will embrace me in his arms....and in the arms of my dear Savior, oh there are 10,000 charms..."

There's another line to the song that says "if you tarry until you're better, then you will never come at all...." That one got me yesterday. God is our great comforter....he supplies all of our needs....He's unfailing....but if I wait to go talk to him until I'm doing better...I'm never going to get there.... so...I'm going to arise and go to Jesus and be embraced by the love of his everlasting arms.

A case of the "Mondays"

what is it about Monday morning that is just purely exhausting? It doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed or how much rest I get on the weekend....Monday is just downright tiring.

Hrm. it's a mystery.

So things are good in our world...had some great time with the fam at a dinner....went to a birthday party for one of the nieces.....tried to declutter and start packing....wondered where on earth we'll end up moving....

That's the part that's got me all worked up...trying not to stress but it's really not working...

not much of an update today...blame it on Monday....LOL

Reflections

I remember watching a comedian....Jim Gafigan...terribly funny guy. Well, he was talking about Easter (many of his bits feature him doing both parts of the conversation)....and I won't get this exactly right, but here's the gist:
"Ok to celebrate Easter. We'll get a bunch of eggs.
but that doesn't make any sense
Ok. We'll hide them?
and this relates to the resurrection of Christ how?
It's ok - there's a bunny."

yeah, I laughed. But today it's got me thinking....how commercial things have gotten. I can remember when not a child around me didn't know that Easter was a celebration of Christ's Resurrection and everyone went to church and most girls got a new Easter dress and some little hats with matching purses and we'd go to church and hear for the millionth time the miracle and we'd sit in awe.

Today I look around and most kids haven't the foggiest idea what an Easter bonnet is or why on earth someone would want to go to church instead of diving into piles of candy....and while it is very well known that I am a huge proponent of eating much candy....the rest of it makes me sad. It's bad enough that the true meaning is lost....but it's also a crucial part of our heritage that's being skewed into a sugar coated commercialistic whatever you want to call it.
And that's my rant for the day.

We finally got our tax return and the laptop we've been talking about for two years and it's an adventure typing on it.....not only is it a "standard" keyboard (the one I have at work is ergonomic), I also have to get used to the heat sensitive mouse thingy that keeps moving my cursor when I get close to it....LOL
Hopefully this means that we'll find the cable to our camera and upload the pictures that have been sitting there since our honeymoon. Hrm. anyone interested in a slide show of a bunch of islands?

April Fool's Day

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." Psalm 14:1-3

Driving to work I listened to my favorite Christian station - their April fool was to say that Jim Kelly came out of retirement. I chuckled a bit and thought of some of the April fool's pranks I've pulled over the years and contemplated tossing one or two out there today...but nothing came to mind. Ah well. such is life.

In other news....
My cousin welcomed her son into the world yesterday - 8 pounds, 7 ounces and all are doing great. This is a major praise because she started going into labor with him at around 20 weeks....they tried to stop it and finally did...to the point where she was induced yesterday! But we are praising God for a healthy baby and a healthy mama and for expanding this little family by one more.

My N brother sent a text a few weeks ago..."we're 3% sure it's a boy. Or....we're 97% sure it's a girl." Silly boy, but it brightened my day. Very excited for those two! Plus another baby to cuddle and kiss and hand back :)

I go back for another follow-up on Tuesday....the new med has been ok but often it burns when I get hungry and something tells me that shouldn't so much happen.....so we'll just talk to the doc and see what we have to do next because grazing all day hasn't been great for the whole losing weight portion of my goals.

Bug is doing well - work is crazy as usual, but it's work!!!

and now you're up to date!

*contented sigh*

I've been with my husband for about 6.5 years...we've been married a little over 1.5 years....and every day I find myself loving him more, being more attracted to him and life without him is a further distant memory....it feels like I've always been his wife....and at the same time like it was just yesterday that I was walking down the aisle in a very heavy white dress still beaming that this amazing and wonderful man picked ME.

It's like he spends his days dreaming up new ways to make me feel special and loved. And when that man looks at me I know that I'm the only star in his sky and that he doesn't think that a more beautiful woman exists - and that makes me smile.

I had discovered quite a long time ago that I needed to thank God for my husband every day, to pray for him, to pray for our marriage and to make sure that God is at the center of it - and let me just tell you - it makes marriage that much richer.

hmm...

Isn't it amazing how trained we are? I'm not talking about trained in the sense of fitness....I'm talking about the way we convince ourselves that something we feel always has to mean one thing. This morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach. I of course translated it to mean I was anxious about something. So I drove myself crazy for a couple of hours trying to figure out what I had to be so anxious about...did I forget to do something? As my morning went on and I assured myself I had not, the knot felt a little different....and my stomach growled. Oh. I was hungry. I'm not usually hungry in the morning - and extremely rarely when I first get out of bed....so here, I added stress to my day convinced I knew exactly what was up by one fleeting thought. How often do we do that to ourselves every day? The fleeting thought of how good a hamburger tastes means "my body needs what's in that burger." Or...it could be that I just drove past a fast food restaurant and smelled burgers....

I've struggled with anxiety for years. It's something I find myself talking to God about quite a bit and then getting frustrated wondering why He hasn't taken it from me. This morning it hit me like a 2x4.

Because I won't let Him. I was looking for worry this morning - looking for something to be anxious about rather than looking to see what else I could be feeling that way for - wow. That was a hard realization. So I had to ask for forgiveness. And now I'm trying to remind myself that I should "Be anxious for nothing but in all things present my needs to God through prayer and supplication." and that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, a spirit of power and a SOUND mind."

That means that it's not in God's plan for me to stress and fret and to make this stomach thing worse. It's in His plan that I turn to Him and tell him what I'm thinking and cast my worries and woes on Him and then - and here's the big thing - not get up and take them all back with me. So easy to type. So hard to do. But with God's grace, I can do it - I just have to keep remembering to let go.

meh.

I woke up just not feeling like myself today...then little things throughout my morning continued to poke me and deflate me and now I'm just feeling very quiet, very introverted and discouraged today.

I fell way off track while we were vacationing....I'm trying not to beat myself up, and trying to focus on moving forward and planning a nice walk with my husband tonight.I got my biopsy results - Praise the Lord, nothing scary is wrong. It's the reflux issue ...which is treated with meds and diet - kind of a pain to deal with, but better than many of the alternatives! besides - God healed my heart - why not my stomach too?

We had a great time in Virginia visiting some friends and hugging on a baby.

We also got to to go the Crime & Punishment museum in D.C. - now that is a wicked cool place. We spent a few hours there, got some starbucks and headed off for foods.....delightful!

wow.

I had forgotten how much energy a 17 year old girl has in a mall. But it was a great weekend, and she had a blast, so all very much worth it.
Got my bloodwork back...no diabetes - PTL! Still waiting on the stomach biopsies.....and still trusting in God for peace through it all.

Yesterday was a very hard day. It marked 8 years since my brother was killed in a horrific car accident. I did my best to hold it together...but after a pretty sleepless night, four hours in a car and holding back the tears...I was wound so tight I felt numb. I thank God for a wonderful husband who rubbed my back and prayed for me and comforted me. Yes...I've gotten through losing my brother...but I'll never get over it...and that day....it started as soon as I opened my eyes...I could hear my father's voice in my ear telling me my brother had been killed....and my heart broke for the millionth time and all I wanted in this world was to hug my brother one more time.....

But God is faithful, and I survived the day....and the travel....even with a rogue check engine light stretching the bowstring that much tauter....God is faithful, and I got home safely to my husband's waiting arms and felt some peace, some comfort and was able to sleep at least a few hours.

Here's to hoping today is better......

update.....

I had the endoscopy yesterday - it went well. I'm still feeling a little shaky and some pain but much better than yesterday. The new med has been great - I'm actually able to eat without insane amounts of pain!!!! Which is quite novel because seriously, getting massive heartburn and belly burn from a banana was just pathetic.

As for the scope...the doctor said he didn't see anything scary - he did see the gastritits and the reflux, but not what is causing it. He said he took several biopsies and we should have the results in about 10 days.

SO....I'm going to try to not think about it and focus on having a fabulous time with my little sister who is coming for a long weekend this weekend. She's a senior this year...so hard to believe...so this is her "senior trip" and I can't wait - we are going to have so much fun!

oh my.

so....this is the last year of my 20's. That's a touch scary.

I've decided to have a yearlong farewell to my 20's. I'm a dork.

oh I needed this today.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

As I sat in the specialists office yesterday, I was grateful that they squeezed me in on practically no notice....but I was nervous about what would happen. I was in so much pain, and have been....I've been tackling this mountain for a couple of weeks now and I'm tired, worn, weary and frustrated. (I mean seriously, who gets heartburn from crackers!?)

I went home with a script for an endoscopy and tried to not think of all of the things that could possibly be wrong with me...ate some rice and headed for bed. My wonderful husband told me I can't think of all of those things, that I have to focus on the positive.....so I slept.

And today, I came to work and that's my verse of the day...how perfect is that? God knows what's up with my stomach - he made the thing. And whatever is going on, he's got a plan, and he will bring me through it....so, yes, I'm nervous, but I know that I'm not going to be in that room alone...well, you know, other than the medical staff, but you get my point.....

ah sweet Friday!!!

Is it sad that Friday is my favorite weekday?
This has been a long and trying week physically and I am thrilled to get some downtime....we'll head off to run a million errands and spend some time with close friends in Bible Study and watch the niece and nephews which will be a blast in and of itself...man alive I love those kids!!!

Sunday will hopefully be a quiet day to spend together and just BE.... It's amazing what just a little quiet time with my husband does for my outlook. Just sitting on the couch holding hands and not saying a word - it's a healing balm on the wounds of the week.....and I cannot wait to have five minutes to do that :)

And then of course...my daily reminder that it's OK to JUST BE every once in a while....

Be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. 1 Peter 5:6-7 MSG

OY!

What a day...and it hasn't really started. I was lamenting to God on my way to work today....there really aren't enough hours in my day. I get up, get ready for work, kiss the hubby and fly out the door....around 12 hours later I return....exhausted, look at the Wii and tell myself I really should work out and head off for a shower. Some days I make it back to the Wii and I always feel better once I have....
But lately, with the whole GERD thing and not really being able to eat anything without either feeling like it is coming right back up or that my stomach is on fire and the monsters are trying to attack....I haven't really felt up to anything. Which is discouraging since my goal is to get healthy and fit. I know, I have to take it slow and give my body a chance to heal...but it's taking too long. and I miss real food.....and boy I'm whiny today....

So I threw all of that at God today. and Bless my mother.....she made me a CD a few months ago when I was dealing with sleepless nights....and of course that was what was in the player while I was driving to work....and the song that started to play was a wonderful reminder that even though right now is a valley, it's ok, because ....

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters in to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh GodYour grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh GodYour grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me ~Chris Tomlin

ImaK

and if you're a Scrubs fan, you're laughing at my subject line right now...
if you're not a Scrubs fan, you're very confused right now.

There. Glad I could clear that up. Catch you next time.

ha ha, just kidding.

So.....what's new in Bug and Eye's world? Not a whole heck of a lot. I'm feeling better today, no more constant burny pain which is nice, but quite annoyed that a banana gave me heartburn. It's the first thing on the list of the BRAT diet!!!!! But whatever. Talked to the doc...my calcium is a little low....but I'm not surprised given that I've been eating boring rice and bananas and crackers and some jello.....but today I have some yogurt for lunch and we'll see how that goes.
Ooh...has anyone ever tried Monkey Brains? We stumbled upon them in the organic section at Wegmans and oh mama are they yummerific....and they seem to go easy on the digestive system.

Boy. there sure are a lot of posts about my innards lately. hrm. sorry about that.
Honestly, I feel like I have had the ever lovin' tar beaten out of me, and I'm exhausted and tired of being sore and not being able to just eat whatever is in the fridge without thinking about how much it will hurt later....so......I'm trying to think about Isaiah and a song from high school chapel... I'm thinking Mira and Mrs. G will remember it.....
Do you not know, have you not heard? the Lord is the everlasting God the creator of the ends of the earth, He will not grow tired or weary...and His understanding...no one can fathom....He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak....hallelujah, hallelujah......

So....I'm trying to get that stuck in my head today and move on.....

Quiet Reflection

I'm in a quiet reflective mood today....maybe because my usual morning frustrations were worked out by finding my car under the snow, maybe something else...but pensive today.

The Lord is gracious and merciful, show to anger and abounding in steadfast love. The Lord is good to all, and his compassion is over all that he has made.... The Lord is faithful in all his words, and gracious in all His deeds. Psalm 145:8-9,13 MSG translation

That right there could be enough to inspire peace for a day...a week...a lifetime...to remember that our wonderful Lord and Savior is gracious, that He's merciful, that he's forgiving and kind and THERE and is guiding me through the paths of life. He's there when I'm trying to decide which road is safest to get to work, guiding me. He's there when I'm trying to find the energy to get through the day....He's always there. And he's never going to run out of patience with me when I get worn out, when I stumble and fall and screw up. I'm convinced God shakes his head and laughs at me at least twice day. But he never gets frustrated and walks away.

mmm....yup. that's what we needed

Be generous with me and I'll live a full life; not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road. Open my eyes so I can see what you show me of your miracle-wonders Psalm 119:17-18 MSG

Open my eyes - that statement says so much. How often are we praying and praying and praying and praying for something....and we miss it because we can't be "bothered" to stop praying and see that our prayer was answered?

There's this song by Stephen Curtis Chapman called Waiting for Lighting...are you waiting for lighting? a sign that it's time for a change? are you listening for thunder, while he quietly whispers your name?

ouch. yeah. maybe I do that...ok....so maybe I do that a lot.......
so how do we fix it? how do we shut out the world? how do we know when to stop praying and start praising? Because aren't we told to be persistent? Aren't we told to pray without ceasing?

yes...but we are also told in all things to present our requests with prayer and.....THANKSGIVING.....
oh...yeah...that could work.....pry my eyes off of me for three seconds and realize it's not really about me is it?

ow. or how I spent my Monday

So we had a delightful weekend...we traveled to littlecville to see the birthday boy and hug on the family a bit...Sunday we had brunch with a dear friend and headed home....got home and didn't feel quite so right....so I brewed up some ginger tea and sipped on it...around 7 my stomach revolted...and again around 8....tried to sip some juice....bad idea.....I think I threw up last week's dinner....then it continued on nearly hourly for the entire night. Around 1 am, I got nervous because no one should ever vomit that much bile...especially not at one time...tried to get back to sleep...and of course was up at 2, 2:30, 3...4....and at 5 couldn't really breathe...so I woke the bug and we took an all-expense paid trip to the emergency room....where the world's most wonderful nurse took amazing care of me and stood outside the bathroom door while my stomach revolted yet again...
then she wasted no time hooking me up to fluids, getting me some anti-nausea and some pain meds and reassuring me that they'd get tests run asap.....
at first they were thinking a gall stone stuck in the common bile duct..which of course sounded quite scary.

Turned out to be a simple case of esophogitis and gastroenteritis. Yeesh. So they gave me some anti-nausea meds and ulcer meds and sent me home with orders to go easy on my system and clear liquids for a little while (hey man, doc said I HAVE to eat Jell-o for dinner ;D)

So, I'm ok. albeit exhausted and pretty sore....but God is good.

(insert witty title here)

So...in venturing through blogdom and picking up my phone, I've been surrounded with news of babies! Very exciting! Lots of little ones to borrow :)

Things are pretty good on our end...we said goodbye to the neon with the failing transmission...we said hello to the "new" Buick (oh Eye LOVE it!).

We're working tons, but that's how bills get paid, right? I'm down 2 pounds total from my ventures into healthier lifestyle....I'm bummed that it's only 2 pounds.....but....I should also be thrilled that it's at least stayed steady for a little bit. Wanna hear something funny? Yesterday, I thought I BLEW my day....I over did it on the fiber during the day so my stomach was good and mad by the time I got home...so I fixed a grilled cheese sandwich and grabbed a small handful of chips.....thinking, eh, at least I'll feel better. Logged into Spark this morning....I was UNDER my calorie goals for the day! ha!

This weekend we're heading to LittleCVille for the youngest nephew's first birthday party (he turned one yesterday....where did the year go??). I called my sister yesterday and told her that I was thrilled that I got much more sleep this year than I did that day last year...she laughed and said that even getting up at 7 she did too....(I got up at 3 to be in town in time to go with her to the hospital at 5....*shudder*).

I know...this is a boring post and there are no pictures. But hey, now you know I am alive, my hands haven't been glued together and I remember how to type - these are all good things, I assure you :)

I haven't had much time home lately so no yummerific pics to post....hopefully I'll get a chance to cook over the next few weekends....although, the freezer is pretty much stuffed with healthy fast frozen options....(have you tried the fake chicken patties by morningstar farms? mm mm mm!)

and on that note.....I'm going to stop talking about food and drink another glass of water.....
did you know that you are actually dehydrated when you wake up? yup. you may not feel it, but you actually are - so it is vital to your body and your metabolism that you drink a glass of water first thing!

One foot in front of the other....

So.....
I've boldly and fearfully shared my goal to lose weight...I've put myself out there and am becoming accountable.

Last night I was sharing my frustrations with Bug and he brought out two sheets of notebook paper. On one he had listed his goals, the other was for me. We talked about what we needed to do to meet those goals and how we would celebrate once we got there...we talked about how we can workout together without renewing the gym membership....how we can cheer each other on and strive to cook more meals than not....to put some control back into what goes into our stomachs....olive oil vs. butter....grapes vs. dessert.....
and he made an excellent point.
Instead of saying "I am going to eat less fried things" I should say "I am going to eat more raw veggies." because the second I mention the fried foods...that's all I'm going to think about...and I'll gnaw my way through half the kitchen before giving in and eating the darn fries....

Interesting.

So...I managed to put two pounds back on. And I tried my hardest not to get upset...but it did upset me....and so I comforted myself with a snack....what is wrong with me?
I'm miserable at this weight. My clothes don't fit, I don't have any energy and yet....it's not enough to kick my butt into gear. hrm.

Fortunately, I have a husband who cares about my goals and manages to help me focus toward them rather than making me feel like he thinks I'm fat. In fact, he gets rather annoyed with me when I am down on myself about my weight and feeling like I am less attractive since we got married....he gently kisses me, tells me that I am beautiful and suggests that maybe I'd like an apple instead of ice cream....
and you know what? I appreciate it.

I LOVE YOU BUG!!!!!

So...I hung the eat better America healthified recipe calendar in the kitchen and here we go.

doubt....sleeplessness....ugh....

Ever doubt yourself? Ever worry about your day and replay it over and over in your mind trying to reassure yourself that you did everything as you were supposed to and could you please shut down your mind and go to sleep now?

That's where I was last night....the anxiety chewing up my stomach, and the mighty taco didn't help either.....so I prayed until I fell asleep....amazing how much that helps.

I was frustrated with this same thing not long ago and voice same to Bug. I vented. "God freed me from this prison! Why am I anxious? Why am I so stressed I could throw up? huh? WHY??" My wonderful husband was quiet for a moment and then said something that stopped me in my tracks. "It's a prison with an open door. You need to walk out of it."

ooh. he's right. I was freed, I don't have to be a slave to the worry.....so why am I sitting in the cage? The door's open.....so how about I strap on my shield of faith and walk out?

Yesterday was a hard day, and I didn't eat much...so by the time I headed home, I needed at least 900 calories to round out the day and not under eat. So I got some mighty taco to cure that. I think I may be going about this wrong....although, I did weigh in down two pounds last night! wahoo!

I don't want to get tired just folding laundry.

I am tired of having to wear long jackets because the waistband on my pants doesn't look right. I'm tired of having to be creative in my wardrobe because only three pairs of pants fit.
I'm tired of having no energy.
I'm tired of wanting to go to bed at 7:00.
I'm tired of having no willpower over fatty fried foods.

wow.
admitting all of that.....
now what? Do I continue to eat the fried stuff and whine about how it's going to hurt tomorrow?
.....well, I hope not.....so.....I'm posting about it.

Bug gave me my birthday present a little early....and I've already lost 4 pounds...but last night? I ate 20 chicken nuggets without blinking...(ok so maybe I blinked a few times...but I inhaled those suckers without regard for the 900ish calories I was taking in.....)

so....tonight I need to hula-hoop a few extra rounds....as well as clean out my car for the arrival of the replacement....

the other tool I've found? OH it's wonderful!! My dear sweet L friend turned me on to it - and it's amazing how much it helps just being held accountable....

Most days I look at the cookie and ask "Do I really want to have to log this?" and there are support teams for when I've had a craptastic day and really just want something fried to make it all go away.....

so what is this wonderful tool? Spark People. This guy decided to help people lose weight and get healthy and invested a ton of his OWN money to do so.....so I've been reading articles, tracking foods, touching base with a friend and learning that it's more than just not eating the french fries until the pants fit again...it's a whole lifestyle change....healthy changes done over time that stick...

I entered Stage 2 today.....