*contented sigh*

I've been with my husband for about 6.5 years...we've been married a little over 1.5 years....and every day I find myself loving him more, being more attracted to him and life without him is a further distant memory....it feels like I've always been his wife....and at the same time like it was just yesterday that I was walking down the aisle in a very heavy white dress still beaming that this amazing and wonderful man picked ME.

It's like he spends his days dreaming up new ways to make me feel special and loved. And when that man looks at me I know that I'm the only star in his sky and that he doesn't think that a more beautiful woman exists - and that makes me smile.

I had discovered quite a long time ago that I needed to thank God for my husband every day, to pray for him, to pray for our marriage and to make sure that God is at the center of it - and let me just tell you - it makes marriage that much richer.

hmm...

Isn't it amazing how trained we are? I'm not talking about trained in the sense of fitness....I'm talking about the way we convince ourselves that something we feel always has to mean one thing. This morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach. I of course translated it to mean I was anxious about something. So I drove myself crazy for a couple of hours trying to figure out what I had to be so anxious about...did I forget to do something? As my morning went on and I assured myself I had not, the knot felt a little different....and my stomach growled. Oh. I was hungry. I'm not usually hungry in the morning - and extremely rarely when I first get out of bed....so here, I added stress to my day convinced I knew exactly what was up by one fleeting thought. How often do we do that to ourselves every day? The fleeting thought of how good a hamburger tastes means "my body needs what's in that burger." Or...it could be that I just drove past a fast food restaurant and smelled burgers....

I've struggled with anxiety for years. It's something I find myself talking to God about quite a bit and then getting frustrated wondering why He hasn't taken it from me. This morning it hit me like a 2x4.

Because I won't let Him. I was looking for worry this morning - looking for something to be anxious about rather than looking to see what else I could be feeling that way for - wow. That was a hard realization. So I had to ask for forgiveness. And now I'm trying to remind myself that I should "Be anxious for nothing but in all things present my needs to God through prayer and supplication." and that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, a spirit of power and a SOUND mind."

That means that it's not in God's plan for me to stress and fret and to make this stomach thing worse. It's in His plan that I turn to Him and tell him what I'm thinking and cast my worries and woes on Him and then - and here's the big thing - not get up and take them all back with me. So easy to type. So hard to do. But with God's grace, I can do it - I just have to keep remembering to let go.

meh.

I woke up just not feeling like myself today...then little things throughout my morning continued to poke me and deflate me and now I'm just feeling very quiet, very introverted and discouraged today.

I fell way off track while we were vacationing....I'm trying not to beat myself up, and trying to focus on moving forward and planning a nice walk with my husband tonight.I got my biopsy results - Praise the Lord, nothing scary is wrong. It's the reflux issue ...which is treated with meds and diet - kind of a pain to deal with, but better than many of the alternatives! besides - God healed my heart - why not my stomach too?

We had a great time in Virginia visiting some friends and hugging on a baby.

We also got to to go the Crime & Punishment museum in D.C. - now that is a wicked cool place. We spent a few hours there, got some starbucks and headed off for foods.....delightful!

wow.

I had forgotten how much energy a 17 year old girl has in a mall. But it was a great weekend, and she had a blast, so all very much worth it.
Got my bloodwork back...no diabetes - PTL! Still waiting on the stomach biopsies.....and still trusting in God for peace through it all.

Yesterday was a very hard day. It marked 8 years since my brother was killed in a horrific car accident. I did my best to hold it together...but after a pretty sleepless night, four hours in a car and holding back the tears...I was wound so tight I felt numb. I thank God for a wonderful husband who rubbed my back and prayed for me and comforted me. Yes...I've gotten through losing my brother...but I'll never get over it...and that day....it started as soon as I opened my eyes...I could hear my father's voice in my ear telling me my brother had been killed....and my heart broke for the millionth time and all I wanted in this world was to hug my brother one more time.....

But God is faithful, and I survived the day....and the travel....even with a rogue check engine light stretching the bowstring that much tauter....God is faithful, and I got home safely to my husband's waiting arms and felt some peace, some comfort and was able to sleep at least a few hours.

Here's to hoping today is better......

update.....

I had the endoscopy yesterday - it went well. I'm still feeling a little shaky and some pain but much better than yesterday. The new med has been great - I'm actually able to eat without insane amounts of pain!!!! Which is quite novel because seriously, getting massive heartburn and belly burn from a banana was just pathetic.

As for the scope...the doctor said he didn't see anything scary - he did see the gastritits and the reflux, but not what is causing it. He said he took several biopsies and we should have the results in about 10 days.

SO....I'm going to try to not think about it and focus on having a fabulous time with my little sister who is coming for a long weekend this weekend. She's a senior this year...so hard to believe...so this is her "senior trip" and I can't wait - we are going to have so much fun!

oh my.

so....this is the last year of my 20's. That's a touch scary.

I've decided to have a yearlong farewell to my 20's. I'm a dork.

oh I needed this today.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

As I sat in the specialists office yesterday, I was grateful that they squeezed me in on practically no notice....but I was nervous about what would happen. I was in so much pain, and have been....I've been tackling this mountain for a couple of weeks now and I'm tired, worn, weary and frustrated. (I mean seriously, who gets heartburn from crackers!?)

I went home with a script for an endoscopy and tried to not think of all of the things that could possibly be wrong with me...ate some rice and headed for bed. My wonderful husband told me I can't think of all of those things, that I have to focus on the positive.....so I slept.

And today, I came to work and that's my verse of the day...how perfect is that? God knows what's up with my stomach - he made the thing. And whatever is going on, he's got a plan, and he will bring me through it....so, yes, I'm nervous, but I know that I'm not going to be in that room alone...well, you know, other than the medical staff, but you get my point.....

ah sweet Friday!!!

Is it sad that Friday is my favorite weekday?
This has been a long and trying week physically and I am thrilled to get some downtime....we'll head off to run a million errands and spend some time with close friends in Bible Study and watch the niece and nephews which will be a blast in and of itself...man alive I love those kids!!!

Sunday will hopefully be a quiet day to spend together and just BE.... It's amazing what just a little quiet time with my husband does for my outlook. Just sitting on the couch holding hands and not saying a word - it's a healing balm on the wounds of the week.....and I cannot wait to have five minutes to do that :)

And then of course...my daily reminder that it's OK to JUST BE every once in a while....

Be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. 1 Peter 5:6-7 MSG

OY!

What a day...and it hasn't really started. I was lamenting to God on my way to work today....there really aren't enough hours in my day. I get up, get ready for work, kiss the hubby and fly out the door....around 12 hours later I return....exhausted, look at the Wii and tell myself I really should work out and head off for a shower. Some days I make it back to the Wii and I always feel better once I have....
But lately, with the whole GERD thing and not really being able to eat anything without either feeling like it is coming right back up or that my stomach is on fire and the monsters are trying to attack....I haven't really felt up to anything. Which is discouraging since my goal is to get healthy and fit. I know, I have to take it slow and give my body a chance to heal...but it's taking too long. and I miss real food.....and boy I'm whiny today....

So I threw all of that at God today. and Bless my mother.....she made me a CD a few months ago when I was dealing with sleepless nights....and of course that was what was in the player while I was driving to work....and the song that started to play was a wonderful reminder that even though right now is a valley, it's ok, because ....

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters in to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh GodYour grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh GodYour grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me ~Chris Tomlin

ImaK

and if you're a Scrubs fan, you're laughing at my subject line right now...
if you're not a Scrubs fan, you're very confused right now.

There. Glad I could clear that up. Catch you next time.

ha ha, just kidding.

So.....what's new in Bug and Eye's world? Not a whole heck of a lot. I'm feeling better today, no more constant burny pain which is nice, but quite annoyed that a banana gave me heartburn. It's the first thing on the list of the BRAT diet!!!!! But whatever. Talked to the doc...my calcium is a little low....but I'm not surprised given that I've been eating boring rice and bananas and crackers and some jello.....but today I have some yogurt for lunch and we'll see how that goes.
Ooh...has anyone ever tried Monkey Brains? We stumbled upon them in the organic section at Wegmans and oh mama are they yummerific....and they seem to go easy on the digestive system.

Boy. there sure are a lot of posts about my innards lately. hrm. sorry about that.
Honestly, I feel like I have had the ever lovin' tar beaten out of me, and I'm exhausted and tired of being sore and not being able to just eat whatever is in the fridge without thinking about how much it will hurt later....so......I'm trying to think about Isaiah and a song from high school chapel... I'm thinking Mira and Mrs. G will remember it.....
Do you not know, have you not heard? the Lord is the everlasting God the creator of the ends of the earth, He will not grow tired or weary...and His understanding...no one can fathom....He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak....hallelujah, hallelujah......

So....I'm trying to get that stuck in my head today and move on.....