What are you thinking?

I'm sure you've seen them out there...the "what a stay home parent really does all day" posts.  Some are hilarious. Some are sanctimonious.  Some are heartbreaking. Some are a mesh of all of them.
Guess what? this isn't a post about being a stay home mom.
This is a post about this particular mom, who woke up with a lot on her mind.

I also woke up with a monster headache. Allergies are mean.

Had a "moment" with my daughter and got her back to bed for some much needed sleep. I despise the days she does not nap because she's that three year old that really does need it...otherwise she reverts to newborn sleep habits which I do not so much enjoy.

I decided to stay up, get some coffee and read my Bible...even spouted some profound thoughts to Twitter.

The verse that's sticking with me today is in Psalms - actually it's two verses. Psalm 139:23-24.  I generally read from the ESV, which says: "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me,  and lead me in the way everlasting!"

You've probably seen it in the NIV, where it says "anxious" instead of grievous.

When a verse really grabs me, I like to look at it in several translations, one of my favorites being The Message.
"Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life."

That's a heavy lesson for a day.  Basically saying ok God, you see it all anyway, lay it out for me. Where am I screwing up so I can fix it?

Ouch. I mean really who likes to have their faults pointed out?  Who likes to be reminded that they are not perfect?

My husband has been spending a lot of time studying the pursuit of holiness - a holy life. Wow, that seems ambitious doesn't it?  I think a lot of people will confuse holy with self-righteous.  Which can get ugly fast.

Guess what?
I'm not perfect.  I don't have wonderful thoughts of all the wonderful things all day long. I worry. I stress. Sometimes I react instead of respond.  Does that mean that I can't pursue a holy life? Nope.  Does it mean I'm "doomed and a bad Christian?" Far from it.  It makes me a human in need of grace and mercy.  Good thing God is loving and forgiving and full of grace and mercy He's aching to hand me as soon as I figure out I need to ask for it.

Sometimes I don't say I'm a Christian when I'm asked about my faith. It's not because I'm ashamed. It's not because I think that I need to hide.

It's because unfortunately there are some people with a spotlight and a stage who call themselves Christians and then open their mouths and cast a horrid light on the rest of us.  I say I have a relationship with God. It's not a religion.  Because to me, it's not. it's about my relationship with God. My realization that I cannot draw breath without God.  My understanding that God is real, that I've seen him move in my life, heal my body, answer my prayers and comfort me when I'm destroyed.  I don't need a stage.  I don't want a spotlight.  I do want for those that do want the stage and the spotlight to think before they speak.  So many people I've encountered tell me that it's Christians that have turned them off to God, that they seem worse than people just trying to live a good life.  That they are hurtful and judgmental and mean and even cruel.  That they are high and mighty and look down on everyone around them...reminds me of the Pharisees in the Bible.
I'm not called to call everyone out on their sin.  I'm called to love my neighbor, to be kind, to fill needs as I can.  I'm called to be an ambassador for Christ.
I'm still figuring out how to do that.

So, here I sit, open heart asking God to "show me what I need to fix, and give me the strength to fix it."