tired...but apparently not sleepy....

It's after one a.m. and I'm still wide awake...the pain is pretty intense tonight and of course, tonight the painkiller just isn't helping. Back to the doctor tomorrow to have the stitches out and to find out what our plan is....I'm a little anxious because I feel like I've taken a few steps back - I'm back to feeling like if I don't hold my belly while I walk my insides will fall out...and there's this pulling pain if I try to take a full step....*sigh* maybe I pushed too hard when I thought I felt better? I dunno...but I made a list of questions/concerns for the doctor when I see him tomorrow....(side note for those that are going "wait, she had surgery?" I had a blinding searing pain in my side and abdomen that was pretty much undiagnosable by conventional means...an abundance of doctors, tests, a couple of trips to the er....nothing showed why I was in such pain, so I ended up undergoing an exploratory laporoscopy where they discovered some "female issues" and resolved the resolvable and we're figuring out a plan for the other...I'll be ok...just a little bit of a road ahead of me - but by the grace of God, I can still have kids!)

I'm trying so hard to "be anxious for nothing but in all things present my needs to God" in this. I'm anxious because I'm afraid that the setback means more is wrong or I'm not as OK as I thought or maybe I really set myself back and injured something thinking I was in better shape than I am....
I praise God for the great news that we will be able to have children. That was my biggest fear in all of this...that I had missed my chance....but God is good, knows my heart and protected that aspect. Which, the logical mind would say, is all the more reason to chill out.

Maybe it's the loneliness that comes from being shut in and unable to drive (this is the point where I send Internet hugs to those that have visited, sent cards, emails, facebook messages, food and the like to cheer me up - you have no idea how much that has all meant and I'd be even stir-crazier without your thoughtfulness). Maybe it's the lack of sleep...maybe it's the pain...maybe it's the fact that even though there is chocolate inches from me I don't feel like eating it... .....maybe it's everything rolled into one....but here I am at 1:22 in the morning, exhausted but not sleepy enough for my eyes to stay shut... and just throwing my feelings out into blogdom. I finally decided to get up so my husband could get some restful sleep as he does have to be up early tomorrow to make sure the boxes and parcels are delivered on time....so hopefully a blog to empty my head and a few hands of solitaire will sleepify me enough to keep the eyes closed.....